Tonight tears stream down my face. The salt water ripples across my trembling lips and burn my tongue. The heartache tears always burn. I slam the heels of my palm upon the steering wheel and a madness grips me forming words that tumble across my tongue and fall from my lips, "I hate my life! I hate my life!!!" Over and over the words come to me in waves from an angry storm crashing upon the shores of my reality.I feel relief and an instant, overwhelming grief as I realize the foreign words are in fact my truth, hidden until now in the pit of my stomach. I feel my life is not my own and never quite right. I long for my personal trifecta: Love, education, and success. I cannot seem to acquire one without the other. When it comes to the battle between success and education, I never win. I have success in my life: a bank account I can be proud of and rely on,a job that is ever growing and promising, a modeling career still at my feet, and yet all of this is an ever an obstacle to education.
Education being oh so necessary to the pursuit of further success and moreover the key to my endless quest for my mother's approval and even dare I say her love. Ah yes, Love. The pinnacle of my trifecta, what I long for more than anything... to love and be loved. I knew true love once, the love of my life, or so I thought. I made and shared his bed, lovingly bought his clothes, soothed his aches, cured his ills, gave when i really had nothing to spare, supported and cared for him, carried our fruit for 3 months before she painfully slipped away in the night. He left me broken, ruined, betrayed, and with a heart turned to stone. never did I think I could love again, be loyal again, or trust my heart and happiness to another soul. I walked a two and a half year path of alcohol, empty physical encounters (often filled with my own silent tears, grieving for my actions and the loss of reverence for my own body and love), and dark days of never wanting to wake again.
And yet, just four months ago, like lightning that strikes the sand turning it to beautiful glass, I met her: the charming red haired girl with her precious freckles and heart wrenching, captivating eyes. She had me at hello and I don't think she will ever know or understand the minute I held her, kissed her, and gazed into her stunningly, beautifully haunting eyes, looking up at me for the sheets, she moved me ... she saved me. She brought me back, it was instant, I loved her... my still heart was beating once again, ready to love only one once again. Like that lightning that struck the sand, having sat there dull and lifeless for ages, her lightning turned me into something firm and beautiful... and to be handled with care. The past i regret so much, the past that makes me feel that perhaps I do not deserve true love again keeps her at a distance. How do I make her know, make her trust that she is my world, she is what I want, what I love, and what I hope to make a life with? I am questioned, doubted, and sometimes even insulted or spoken harshly to, and often undeservedly so. Can't she see... she is all that I want? My heart is hers, I give it to her freely and yet she won't take it, as if she suspects it to all be a cruel joke and ripped away from her at any second. How can I be punished for the cruel deeds she has suffered at the hands of others? How can I constantly defend myself when I do nothing wrong? Can't she see that I have already made her my sun? My day revolves around her. I am ready to love and be loved in the same way: with generosity, passion, honesty, respect, loyalty, and compassion. I know she is my match, that she came into my life for a purpose longer than the time we have spent together. I will not give up, I just pray she does not give up on me ... or hurt me. I pray she doesn't break the glass she created in that sand. a heart of stone is a heavy burden. I hope she stays and loves this fragile girl that I am, and keeps this heart beating.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Single, Relationship, Married … Now which part of all that is for me? Part1: The Problem
Preface: This series of blogs is a culmination of thoughts, frustrations, and regrets that I have from my experiences in both my relationships and the relationships I see around me. Ultimately, I would like to take these blogs and turn them into a book. I dedicate this project to my friend, Chireen, whom I lost by committing every mistake I rant about below. I have decided if I couldn't be a good example, I can be a horrible warning.
Part 1: The Problem
I am sitting in my favorite local coffee house for the second night in a row. I love to come here and people watch, reflect, write, and work on whatever business project is currently on my plate. I have recently found myself reflecting on the lives of women in general and the women around me. However yesterday, these reflections came to a steaming boil while sitting in said beloved coffee house while listening to a conversation a few tables away from a women's group gathering. They sat and discussed their bible verses for the day, their goings on in the home, and the life existing between themselves, their husbands, their children, and the home.
I found myself baffled and frustrated by the conversations going on around me. I began to think about the other women in my life, their relationships, their marriages, their children and began angrily asking myself how it is that with all of the advancements the female gender has made, with all of the opportunities available to us that we seem to be endlessly settling in a life where the lives of our spouse/significant other and/or the lives of our children are our WHOLE lives. What is worse is that we seem to be convinced that we are not settling, we have simply found our "true" calling. It is not until we are left by a man, injured by our children, or pushed to our breaking point that we seem to have a miraculous epiphany that we want more and that we have “wasted” so much time. Then we start to reach for more, search for more, and commit ourselves to a life more devoted to ourselves right up until the point we find a new man more charming than the last or are guilted into submission by the word "duty"!
Now before I continue I do want to state here and now that I am not some uber feminist, I am not one of those women staunchly against marriage, children, or the traditional home. The case is quite the opposite, I am a hopeless romantic and I enthusiastically look forward to marriage and eventually children, however I believe that these parts of my life will be simply that, just parts, not my entire being and not my sole purpose for living. They will no doubt be the priorities in my life, but by no means will they be my sole reason for waking up in the morning. Who needs that kind of pressure on the giving or the receiving end!? I just simply believe that as women we should maintain our own careers, interests, and aspirations beyond the events of marriage and children.
Now, fully aware that I am ranting, I would like to just provide some examples. These examples seem like such obvious things to me and yet so many of the intelligent women I surround myself with seem to be blind to the cage they are building for themselves. For example I have girl friends of mine who have come in and out of long term, disastrous relationships in which they sacrificed so much of themselves to please the man they were with and nourish their relationships. These girls neglected their friendships, made no time to spend a dinner out separate from their boyfriends, made no time to take a weekend to visit a friend far away, and some to the extreme (and I have been this girl) would not even bother to answer the phone when a friend calls if they are even in casual presence of their male counterpart. These girls lives centered on their boyfriend, treating every moment with him as if he may die tomorrow. Meanwhile alienating the women and men that have held their hand through life’s trials and tribulations, and will no doubt continue to do so when their current relationship falls apart. Or perhaps a married woman with children who has made her existence solely about providing a home for her children and husband, again there is nothing wrong with being a good wife and good mother, but should we as women be isolating ourselves to soccer trips and dinner making? These women seem to have forgotten their friends aside from the occasional quick lunch or hurried and often abruptly ended or interrupted phone call. When did the lives of these women begin to run them instead of these women running their lives? Shouldn’t we still be dreaming, doing things for ourselves, taking time away for other relationships and experiences even if we have found “Mr. Wonderful”?
I believe Thoreau missed the mark when he said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I find that quote to perfectly embody the lives of so many women rather than men. We become desperate when we are trapped and we grow quiet when we are subdued. I challenge the women around me to change these patterns and get in the driver's seat of their own lives. Stop walking into the traps we create for ourselves, stop being subdued by reaching minimal expectations, there is more to life than a boyfriend, a husband, or children! It is also important for us to remember that we cannot blame these patterns of behavior on men or our children. The fact we find ourselves living for someone else entirely can be blamed on no one but ourselves.
The warning signs are all around us ladies. Walk into your local bookstore and go to the best seller table where you will inevitably find “Eat, Pray, Love”, our generation’s warning sign for what happens when we rest our happiness and fulfillment on a man who will without a doubt fall short of delivering. Continue over to the classics where you will find Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House" written nearly 130 years ago, same old story a woman has trapped herself in a situation and ultimately walks out. Or go to the movie theater and see "He's Just Not That Into You". We keep doing the same dance; authors, poets, song writers, our MOTHERS all warn us, and yet we continue. We keep banging out head against a wall and continue to ask why it hurts.
I challenge all women out there to realize the power we have as the feminine gender. Demand fulfillment outside of your relationships, if you do not feel fulfilled by yourself, a man and/or family will not provide fulfillment for you so STAY single until you are 100% content with that status. It is not until you feel complete alone that you can have a healthy, functioning relationship. If you are in a relationship STOP making your world about your man; remember your friends, the people who walked you to where you are, make time for them, make time for your interests, hell just make time for YOU apart form HIM. It seems in this generation that when we enter a serious relationship, we conduct it as a mock marriage, making it home for every single dinner together, feeling the need to share the same bed every night, immersing ourselves in the other’s social lives and friendships. It is during the dating phase of relationships that we should be establishing boundaries, and establishing room to allow ourselves as individual women to continue growing independently and not as a unit. If you are married and perhaps missed the past two steps mentioned or perhaps you didn’t and find yourself now falling into status quo, or you find your life is all about supporting your husband’s aspirations or your children’s aspirations stop and remember that just because you are a wife and/or mother does not mean you are required to forfeit who you are and what you want. Naturally with both marriage and children, certain sacrifices must be made but sacrificing yourself is unnecessary and frankly ridiculous. Take time to have lunch and dinner with your friends, take weekend vacations with your girlfriends, I promise your husband and children will survive without you though they may insist otherwise.
The moment we as women define ourselves within the context of our relationships and forget to grow and learn for our own sake we have forgotten to live, we are merely existing. I was recently introduced to a radio show, the name of which escapes me, in which an interview was held with a man who spoke to people on their death beds. The regrets they had moments before they died were not ones of I wish I had served my husband better, or I wish I had taken my kids to more sporting events, or I wish I had a bigger house and more money. The regrets were not spending enough quality time with all loved ones and not traveling more, connecting with the outside world. Ladies, let’s not have those regrets! If you are single, enjoy it, go travel, meet new people, have experiences you will never have again, there is so much time for boyfriends and husbands. If you are in a relationship don’t risk all your chips on this guy, he may be the one, he may not. Remember that your friends are the ones who will not leave, do not take them for granted, make time for them, and remember to keep your own life do not give it up for this potential romance. If you are married love your husband and children with all of your heart, make your time with them about quality not just quantity and remember that while they are the most important things in your life they should not be the only things. Remember your friends as well, and remember that being adventurous, taking some risks, and having time to yourself did not stop at vows or childbirth.
We are women. We are not defined by men, we are merely accessorized by them. They make us happy but they are not our sole happiness. They fill us with love but they are not our fulfillment. Our lives are our own and we have the power to make them extraordinary, no matter where you are in life from this moment remember to take time for you, be it something as simple as a trip to the museum or something as big as a vacation to a far away place. And above all ladies, we are all a member of a sisterhood called the female race. We understand each other in a way no man or child can, we are each other’s shelter and strength, do not take each other for granted. We are not stand ins when we lack a man and we are not disposable when we have a man. We have a power we may not even know over one another, remember to be there for your sisters as best you can, who knows someday they may be the only ones left standing by your side.
Part 1: The Problem
I am sitting in my favorite local coffee house for the second night in a row. I love to come here and people watch, reflect, write, and work on whatever business project is currently on my plate. I have recently found myself reflecting on the lives of women in general and the women around me. However yesterday, these reflections came to a steaming boil while sitting in said beloved coffee house while listening to a conversation a few tables away from a women's group gathering. They sat and discussed their bible verses for the day, their goings on in the home, and the life existing between themselves, their husbands, their children, and the home.
I found myself baffled and frustrated by the conversations going on around me. I began to think about the other women in my life, their relationships, their marriages, their children and began angrily asking myself how it is that with all of the advancements the female gender has made, with all of the opportunities available to us that we seem to be endlessly settling in a life where the lives of our spouse/significant other and/or the lives of our children are our WHOLE lives. What is worse is that we seem to be convinced that we are not settling, we have simply found our "true" calling. It is not until we are left by a man, injured by our children, or pushed to our breaking point that we seem to have a miraculous epiphany that we want more and that we have “wasted” so much time. Then we start to reach for more, search for more, and commit ourselves to a life more devoted to ourselves right up until the point we find a new man more charming than the last or are guilted into submission by the word "duty"!
Now before I continue I do want to state here and now that I am not some uber feminist, I am not one of those women staunchly against marriage, children, or the traditional home. The case is quite the opposite, I am a hopeless romantic and I enthusiastically look forward to marriage and eventually children, however I believe that these parts of my life will be simply that, just parts, not my entire being and not my sole purpose for living. They will no doubt be the priorities in my life, but by no means will they be my sole reason for waking up in the morning. Who needs that kind of pressure on the giving or the receiving end!? I just simply believe that as women we should maintain our own careers, interests, and aspirations beyond the events of marriage and children.
Now, fully aware that I am ranting, I would like to just provide some examples. These examples seem like such obvious things to me and yet so many of the intelligent women I surround myself with seem to be blind to the cage they are building for themselves. For example I have girl friends of mine who have come in and out of long term, disastrous relationships in which they sacrificed so much of themselves to please the man they were with and nourish their relationships. These girls neglected their friendships, made no time to spend a dinner out separate from their boyfriends, made no time to take a weekend to visit a friend far away, and some to the extreme (and I have been this girl) would not even bother to answer the phone when a friend calls if they are even in casual presence of their male counterpart. These girls lives centered on their boyfriend, treating every moment with him as if he may die tomorrow. Meanwhile alienating the women and men that have held their hand through life’s trials and tribulations, and will no doubt continue to do so when their current relationship falls apart. Or perhaps a married woman with children who has made her existence solely about providing a home for her children and husband, again there is nothing wrong with being a good wife and good mother, but should we as women be isolating ourselves to soccer trips and dinner making? These women seem to have forgotten their friends aside from the occasional quick lunch or hurried and often abruptly ended or interrupted phone call. When did the lives of these women begin to run them instead of these women running their lives? Shouldn’t we still be dreaming, doing things for ourselves, taking time away for other relationships and experiences even if we have found “Mr. Wonderful”?
I believe Thoreau missed the mark when he said "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I find that quote to perfectly embody the lives of so many women rather than men. We become desperate when we are trapped and we grow quiet when we are subdued. I challenge the women around me to change these patterns and get in the driver's seat of their own lives. Stop walking into the traps we create for ourselves, stop being subdued by reaching minimal expectations, there is more to life than a boyfriend, a husband, or children! It is also important for us to remember that we cannot blame these patterns of behavior on men or our children. The fact we find ourselves living for someone else entirely can be blamed on no one but ourselves.
The warning signs are all around us ladies. Walk into your local bookstore and go to the best seller table where you will inevitably find “Eat, Pray, Love”, our generation’s warning sign for what happens when we rest our happiness and fulfillment on a man who will without a doubt fall short of delivering. Continue over to the classics where you will find Henrik Ibsen's "A Doll's House" written nearly 130 years ago, same old story a woman has trapped herself in a situation and ultimately walks out. Or go to the movie theater and see "He's Just Not That Into You". We keep doing the same dance; authors, poets, song writers, our MOTHERS all warn us, and yet we continue. We keep banging out head against a wall and continue to ask why it hurts.
I challenge all women out there to realize the power we have as the feminine gender. Demand fulfillment outside of your relationships, if you do not feel fulfilled by yourself, a man and/or family will not provide fulfillment for you so STAY single until you are 100% content with that status. It is not until you feel complete alone that you can have a healthy, functioning relationship. If you are in a relationship STOP making your world about your man; remember your friends, the people who walked you to where you are, make time for them, make time for your interests, hell just make time for YOU apart form HIM. It seems in this generation that when we enter a serious relationship, we conduct it as a mock marriage, making it home for every single dinner together, feeling the need to share the same bed every night, immersing ourselves in the other’s social lives and friendships. It is during the dating phase of relationships that we should be establishing boundaries, and establishing room to allow ourselves as individual women to continue growing independently and not as a unit. If you are married and perhaps missed the past two steps mentioned or perhaps you didn’t and find yourself now falling into status quo, or you find your life is all about supporting your husband’s aspirations or your children’s aspirations stop and remember that just because you are a wife and/or mother does not mean you are required to forfeit who you are and what you want. Naturally with both marriage and children, certain sacrifices must be made but sacrificing yourself is unnecessary and frankly ridiculous. Take time to have lunch and dinner with your friends, take weekend vacations with your girlfriends, I promise your husband and children will survive without you though they may insist otherwise.
The moment we as women define ourselves within the context of our relationships and forget to grow and learn for our own sake we have forgotten to live, we are merely existing. I was recently introduced to a radio show, the name of which escapes me, in which an interview was held with a man who spoke to people on their death beds. The regrets they had moments before they died were not ones of I wish I had served my husband better, or I wish I had taken my kids to more sporting events, or I wish I had a bigger house and more money. The regrets were not spending enough quality time with all loved ones and not traveling more, connecting with the outside world. Ladies, let’s not have those regrets! If you are single, enjoy it, go travel, meet new people, have experiences you will never have again, there is so much time for boyfriends and husbands. If you are in a relationship don’t risk all your chips on this guy, he may be the one, he may not. Remember that your friends are the ones who will not leave, do not take them for granted, make time for them, and remember to keep your own life do not give it up for this potential romance. If you are married love your husband and children with all of your heart, make your time with them about quality not just quantity and remember that while they are the most important things in your life they should not be the only things. Remember your friends as well, and remember that being adventurous, taking some risks, and having time to yourself did not stop at vows or childbirth.
We are women. We are not defined by men, we are merely accessorized by them. They make us happy but they are not our sole happiness. They fill us with love but they are not our fulfillment. Our lives are our own and we have the power to make them extraordinary, no matter where you are in life from this moment remember to take time for you, be it something as simple as a trip to the museum or something as big as a vacation to a far away place. And above all ladies, we are all a member of a sisterhood called the female race. We understand each other in a way no man or child can, we are each other’s shelter and strength, do not take each other for granted. We are not stand ins when we lack a man and we are not disposable when we have a man. We have a power we may not even know over one another, remember to be there for your sisters as best you can, who knows someday they may be the only ones left standing by your side.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Kopi Luwak
Big Fat Edit On the Blog Spot Date: January 13, 2009
- e.e. cummings
Everyday we wake to a new beginning, a blank canvas to color how we chose. I find myself as I'm sure many do in the moments between slumber and consciousness choosing to shrink into the comfort, shelter, and avoidance of my soft bed and the backs of my eyelids. I find myself not wanting to face the overwhelming challenges that lie beneath my feet the minute they hit the floor. Sleeping through what seems so impossible has been such a welcome solution, it seems to be the logical solution, honestly the only solution that does not involve pain or resistance.
That was my reasoning about 2 or 3 weeks ago. But there is a lot to be said for friends, the occasional admirer, and birthday parties that last a week to put you right again. Laying in a bed forlorn and depressed over my worldly troubles is not who I am. I am a person who hungers for something more, naturally I never know what that something is but I love looking for it, and so I will. I chose to fight to be myself, and not wave the white sheet flag of surrender and nestle into a bed of defeat. Sure life has handed me a pile of shit in the recent months, but I have never been one to sit around in it and say, "Man this smells!".
I am much more like the guy who discovered Kopi Luwak (And I am going to have to insist it was a guy, I am not sure many women who would go meddling through a literal pile of shit to see what might come out of it). For those of you who do not know, Kopi Luwak is the world's most over priced "delicacy" coffee made from the droppings of the Luwak. The Luwak eats the coffee beans, they travel through the digestive system, and are umm.. naturally disposed of, then some unfortunate soul comes sifting through the lovely pile for those now perfect, ripe beans and sends them off to the "rich and elite" for their consumption (really makes the more money than brains saying ring true). Anyways, I am the Kopi Luwak guy, I have landed in a pile of shit and I am going to make something brilliant out of it, do I have any idea what said brilliance will be? Absolutely not, but I seriously doubt the guy sifting through animal poop in the forest knew he was looking for the world's most valuable coffee. Life is full of surprises. I am setting out to find them all.
Next Entry: Adventures with Kirsten and Jacques, Roadtrip Day 1.
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