Tonight tears stream down my face. The salt water ripples across my trembling lips and burn my tongue. The heartache tears always burn. I slam the heels of my palm upon the steering wheel and a madness grips me forming words that tumble across my tongue and fall from my lips, "I hate my life! I hate my life!!!" Over and over the words come to me in waves from an angry storm crashing upon the shores of my reality.I feel relief and an instant, overwhelming grief as I realize the foreign words are in fact my truth, hidden until now in the pit of my stomach. I feel my life is not my own and never quite right. I long for my personal trifecta: Love, education, and success. I cannot seem to acquire one without the other. When it comes to the battle between success and education, I never win. I have success in my life: a bank account I can be proud of and rely on,a job that is ever growing and promising, a modeling career still at my feet, and yet all of this is an ever an obstacle to education.
Education being oh so necessary to the pursuit of further success and moreover the key to my endless quest for my mother's approval and even dare I say her love. Ah yes, Love. The pinnacle of my trifecta, what I long for more than anything... to love and be loved. I knew true love once, the love of my life, or so I thought. I made and shared his bed, lovingly bought his clothes, soothed his aches, cured his ills, gave when i really had nothing to spare, supported and cared for him, carried our fruit for 3 months before she painfully slipped away in the night. He left me broken, ruined, betrayed, and with a heart turned to stone. never did I think I could love again, be loyal again, or trust my heart and happiness to another soul. I walked a two and a half year path of alcohol, empty physical encounters (often filled with my own silent tears, grieving for my actions and the loss of reverence for my own body and love), and dark days of never wanting to wake again.
And yet, just four months ago, like lightning that strikes the sand turning it to beautiful glass, I met her: the charming red haired girl with her precious freckles and heart wrenching, captivating eyes. She had me at hello and I don't think she will ever know or understand the minute I held her, kissed her, and gazed into her stunningly, beautifully haunting eyes, looking up at me for the sheets, she moved me ... she saved me. She brought me back, it was instant, I loved her... my still heart was beating once again, ready to love only one once again. Like that lightning that struck the sand, having sat there dull and lifeless for ages, her lightning turned me into something firm and beautiful... and to be handled with care. The past i regret so much, the past that makes me feel that perhaps I do not deserve true love again keeps her at a distance. How do I make her know, make her trust that she is my world, she is what I want, what I love, and what I hope to make a life with? I am questioned, doubted, and sometimes even insulted or spoken harshly to, and often undeservedly so. Can't she see... she is all that I want? My heart is hers, I give it to her freely and yet she won't take it, as if she suspects it to all be a cruel joke and ripped away from her at any second. How can I be punished for the cruel deeds she has suffered at the hands of others? How can I constantly defend myself when I do nothing wrong? Can't she see that I have already made her my sun? My day revolves around her. I am ready to love and be loved in the same way: with generosity, passion, honesty, respect, loyalty, and compassion. I know she is my match, that she came into my life for a purpose longer than the time we have spent together. I will not give up, I just pray she does not give up on me ... or hurt me. I pray she doesn't break the glass she created in that sand. a heart of stone is a heavy burden. I hope she stays and loves this fragile girl that I am, and keeps this heart beating.
